Me, Wolfgang and Ludwig

I wonder what would have happened to Mozart or Beethoven if they didn’t actually write any music. Their heads would have melted…

So I need a plan…

Any business student will tell you there are driving forces for me to become an author and restraining forces keeping me as I am. To overcome this strange barrier I need to strengthen the driving forces and weaken the restraining forces. Then, if the theory is correct (and it seems logical), writing will come.

Some driving forces push, some pull.

The pull is that I really do believe writing could bring me so much that I seem to need. I would have an independent identity and not be so defined by being an experienced and authoritative specialist careers adviser (not a bad thing to be but not enough for the bully, who will always ridicule any achievement). It would bring me the respect of myself. My children could be proud of me. I could be introduced as Terry Miles, the author, not “my slightly flaky Dad”…

It might also bring me some money and the ability to live and work virtually anywhere in the world. It might bring me peace. It might bring me a decent car. I have to sell what I have written to legitimise it through the market place after all. Maybe I’ll buy a Porsche Cayenne and some sunglasses…So much for the pull.

Today – this day now – there are no brutal driving forces evident. But even when there were they didn’t have any desired effect. I didn’t write anything but a painful, self-obsessed and occasional diary when I was depressed and falling into deep debt in a wrong relationship, living in a tiny – thrice mortgaged – flat in Lewisham or before when I was unemployed in Derbyshire.

The push must be something different. Today – this day now – there are loving driving forces evident…and they seem to be more effective…My wife believes I am a writer and I do not want to disappoint her.

But there is something deeper and probably darker. I want to be understood. I want to be valued for being all the person I can be and all the person I have been. I want my children to have something to remember me by and to learn from my mistakes. This might be the photographic negative of how to achieve success. Just make the opposite decisions the ones I made and you should end up somewhere very different. Or somewhere as wonderful as where I have landed much more quickly and much less painfully. Because where I am now is pretty damn good thank-you: Typing opposite my wife as fresh air wafts through our home with the sound of fountains in the background and the sleeping dog and cat at our feet. Oh, and there is a blackbird singing in the garden…

Advertisements